Life’s Little Truths (LLT’s)

LLT Number One: When you really need to go to the bathroom, the last ten feet before the toilet are the hardest. I think everyone knows that you can hold it for hours if  you really have to. The human body and psyche can team up occasionally to override the bladder and bowels and buy you some time. But no matter how long you’ve held it, be it three hours or three minutes, the last ten feet are the worst. In truly dire situations, you may question yourself as you close in. You may think all your hard work has been for naught. Granted, if you plan well, you will never come too close to being sneak-attacked by nature. But if you are in that dangerous situation (and everyone inevitably has been), you know you still have to cross that threshold. The danger zone. The ten-foot, alligator-filled, “Oh snap am I gonna make it” trouble town. If your house was a “don’t embarrass yourself” obstacle course, the last ten feet before the throne would be the part where you crawl under the barbed wire with bullets flying by overhead. Here’s to our successes in the danger zone (and may we rapidly forget our failures).

Partial cred for this LLT goes to Hunter Temperton for the notion. Anyone who comes up with a good LLT, we’d love to hear about it! Throw ‘em our way and we will enlighten the masses.

LLT Number Two: No matter how large or small the gathering, anytime you have a party with copious amounts of drinking and good times, there will always be one full, open, warm beer waiting for you in the morning. No matter how hard you party or how well you think you have planned, this LLT will always occur; and after years of careful observation this has proved true for us 100% of the time. So next time the party goes down at your humble abode, know that even if you do not wake up with a warm body next to you, a warm beer will not be too far away!

Credit for this LLT goes out to everyone who has ever attended a IVDUB party and lived to talk about it.

LLT Number Three: We all know that there will be some point in your future with your significant other that it will become routine for certain “acts of nature” to occur in front of each other. These can range from leaving the bathroom door ajar to having them help you locate an unusually long hair directly in the center of your back…

Eventually these acts will no longer be uncomfortable and some even become routine. However, there is an activity that has been happening in vehicles all around me for the last few months. People love to dig for gold while they are driving around with their spouse. I see it at least 2 times a day anymore and it is not so much the fact that they are performing this activity in the car with their spouse, but I want to know what happens to those core samples once they have been retrieved? Because we all know that every once in a while you get more than you bargained for while perusing the cilia lined passages to the sinus’s. Then what? Do you show off your momentous reward to your partner or do you shyly try to deny that you just pulled a capillary filled green goblin from your face hole?

I personally hope for the safety of all motorists, for my potential future spouse, and for my dignity that I never reach this point in life. I vow to continue to perform this activity in the privacy of my bathroom. And as for all you proud miners out there, please read this and stop doing what you do. I no longer want to live a life filled with fear every time I go out onto the roadways.

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